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I took Jared to speech therapy this week and picked up 'Sydney's child' ( a free large mag published based around Sydney and childrens interests). Really only picked it up as we were 10mins early. Flick thru and the first article that grabs my attention is 'Pregnancy after loss'. Knowing these articles are normally based on miscarriage and still birth, it still always gets me after the stress and agony i went thru with Tahlia. I read, and to cut this story short, i start to feel some resemblances not only with me but with another story i have heard recently. Yes, it's the lady from Australian story. So now i have her name 'Jane Hansen' and her book was '3 Seasons', that's when i put it all together.

I am just so satisfied someone can get out there and tell their story and be of such strength. I am no one, but i am just so proud of this lady.

Why do things happen the way they do?

Today I put Tahlia down to bed just before 12 for her sleep and she went off as per usual. Big kids were taken down the beach by Dad as the sun came out unexpectantly. So indulged myself with a bit of scrapping and had a go at the bubble wrap LO class by Sharnook.

Next i hear Tahlia crying, wait a moment thinking she'll go back to sleep, but more crying and it's getting worse. Knowing she won't be going back to sleep, i get her up after only half an hour. Figure i'll sit on the lounge and watch TV and hope she nods back off to sleep, as she normally sleeps a solid 2hrs.

So grab remote and flick on TV, note here that i don't watch TV pretty much ever. Get to ABC and see premmie baby and new i was hooked to what ever this show was going be. Turned out to be 'Australian story', and was the story of parents who lost a baby at 8months from the ongoing complications of cronic lung problems from premature birth. They took him home from 3 and a half months, he was going so well.

Anyways, i sat there just bawling, tears wetting my lap trying to avoid dripping all over Tahlia. The interviews with mum were just so intense and the words she was saying about losing a child rang only too true. (now i'm crying again) So i keep holding Tahlia tight and watch the entire show.

Two things i just can't let go off, these are not quotes by any means, just how i remember them,

the overwhelming love and grief hits everysingle cell in your body, it is a state of mind, something you become

i have a broken heart, but it is a bigger and better one now

She was or is, an amazing woman, i should find out more about her, she has written a book.

Well Tahlia fell back asleep, so i wonder why she woke up and i put on the TV!

Decision made

Well it was pretty clear where i was heading, but just needed the back up support from those i love. So it's official, the Goldenchild starts preschool not this week but next and i start my extra shifts in March. This way she get's to have a gradual intro to preschool, and the first week or two she'll only go a couple of hours.

Positives,
* I trust and am happy with the care Tahlia is going into. This is the fifth year i have have children in there.
* Tahlia needs more interaction without me involved, maybe one day she will actually let someone else hold her
* Money
* I am heaps more organised when i work, sounds weird, but i am. No time to put things off till tomorrow
* two full days with no one home, hence no one to make mess:)
* I love my job and it will be great to get back into it more. The more i am there, the easier my job is all round, if that makes sense.
* Dad gets to be more of a Dad ;)
* Already have some holiday hrs owing so it shouldn't be a problem getting the week off here and there that i need over the coming year.

Negatives,
* Less home time which means less craft time.
* No swimming lessons this year for Tahlia as i'll always have Jarry too.
* Coping while we go thru the 'adjusting' stage with Tahlia being left at preschool.
* Preschool illnesses :(

So positives definately outweigh the negatives.

Finally took the camera

We are always down the beach, but having Miss Tahlia around i don't let go of her pretty much anywhere near the water and she loves sucking on shells and eating sand, so she is a handful to say the least. Thought it was about time to get some more pics at the beach, but what a hassle, told Ian I'll go get some pics of big kids before he goes in. Come back to find Tahlia filling my camera bag with sand, GRRRRR men!!!!

My washed out sand pool Tahlia and i made. Also the better of the photos of them all together.

I brief moment keeping Talia's hat on. Only because she is more interested in getting into my camera bag.
Jared looking pro, he's getting there and proud as punch!
Jared's new board that he loves to pieces.
Watch her Tamika and don't let go of her!!!! Dad is surfing and mum is taking pics.

A big decision to make

I have been toying with the idea of putting Tahlia into preschool with Jared this year. Not only are my babysitting options down to only, my one wonderful best friend who also works 5 days a week (looks after my 3 one Sunday every 5 weeks), but Tah's has some huge separation anxiety problems and still to this day won't let anyone else hold or feed her except Ian and I (Tamika feeds her at Leigh's, true!).

So as i ponder this idea, i realise everything has to be just right, work available, preschool days available that match Jareds and so on. Knowing these things probably are not going to be easy, so kind of give up on the idea. Need to mention here too, we are broke, with me being back at work my 2 shifts we are only just matching Ian's old wage :(. I grab any extra shifts i can that fit in with Ian home.

So.......i walk into work yesterday and my work mate who covers lots of shifts in the cafe tells me she is retiring, good on her. My mind starts ticking....next my boss comes and retells me the news and that if he can't cover 2 of her days he has to employ someone else. These two days happen to be Jared's preschool days the ones i would want if i did put Tahlia in to child care!!!!!

Now i am left with the option of taking it all on now, or maybe missing my chance to get those days shifts for maybe years. It just feels to me that everything is coming together for a reason and this is meant to be. BUT, i hate the thought of Tahlia being put into childcare at 16months, it just doesn't seem right, she is too young. Ian is very keen, he has no probs off loading the kids like me. The only good part i think is Jared will be there, rather than waiting till next year and she will be on her lonesome as he starts big school.

I'll be taking on 5 shifts a week then, about 30 hrs all up, but if Tahlia can play the game at childcare, 2 of those shifts are when all kids are cared for, two are nights and only one day when all the kids are home and Ian has them. So i don't feel i am totally neglecting the family, just giving Ian the opportunity to be more of a home dad.

So i guess all in all my mind is made up, but I'm sad for Tahlia. I have to do the 'cruel to be kind' thing. I hate having others look after her, but she needs it, and we certainly need the money.

If you got that far reading my woes, thanks! It's a kind of bitter sweet thing atm.

Two more LO's

This was one LO i have been wanting to do for a while now. Here i was roughly 6months pregnant with Kalen. I have no idea what i did, but fiddled around with photo editing to get the dreamy kind of look i was after.

My first little play with chalk inks, and i LOVED it. Can't wait to get more now. Thankyou too, to Ngaire for teaching this fab class. That will probably be the end of my scrapping for next week or so, have heaps of other things that'll keep me busy.

Scrap catch up

This is a desk top calender that was taught to us by Sam(Pootle) at Blumars

CD covers for each of the kids of Kalen's photos
An exploding album taught to us by SamJ

Quick catch up

Still has those fingers in her mouth

The nicest pic of them all together i can get atm

No real exciting news, just playing happy families and trying to save $$$'s. Girls had their ENT appointments last week and have both been booked in for surgery to have grommets. They have been rated as emergency and the Dr hopes to operate late Feb/early March. Tahlia's tonsils are fine, so very happy we aren't considering chopping them out.

Just boringly busy

Just like everyone else, have been rushing around the last few weeks finishing up all the kids stuff for the year, doing their parties and all the other bits that lead up to Christmas.

The kids are all going fantastic, but looking forward to having the girls seen by the ENT specialist early Jan. Mika is deaf, Jarry is loud as a result, so our house is just getting madder!

The littlest Miss is going wonderful, and is very much WALKING everywhere now. Quiet proud considering at 10m she was sent off to physio for not bearing her own weight. She is happy as, in her own little kingdom of home with mum, but take mum out of her sight outside our home and things ain't so pretty.

So Merry Christmas to everyone, may it be the day you want it to be and full of love and laughter.

I did it...

Yesterday i went to my first funeral since Kalen's. I had every reason in the book to get out of it, but it was something i wanted to be part of, and the day wasn't about me. I took Little Miss with me, even though i could have left her home with Ian, as i needed an excuse if things did get too much. I cried, in fact lots, why do tissues seem to disintegrate when you really need them, but i did it. (i lost a friend from school, not real sure about the reasons, but it was sudden. Two children 4 and 6, she was one year younger than me, she also married another friend from school so it was very heart breaking)

I went with my sister, and although i hadn't mentioned anything it felt nice when she told me how well i did and she was running with me if i did have to leave.