10th Febuary 2007

So where am i now, just days off the anniversary of the worst day of my life? Getting there.....having Miss Tahlia, keeps me busy, very busy. Being the wonder she is at night, it pays me back in the day. Much better than the endless nights at first, trying to get her to sleep. Tears flowed frequently, wondering when i was going to get my break in life (a very selfish thought, but one i thought often). Now i have a night sleeper and am i happier?, only just, that still doesn't solve my biggest hurt. I don't know what i want anymore, i seem to get what i am asking, but it just doesn't fix the big problem, i still miss Kalen and there is a big gap missing in my life. How do i fix that?

About a month ago, i said to Ian how much i would love to have Kalen and Tahlia here, and be a family of 4 kids (something that we are both not for), and his only response was, 'i thought that ages ago'!

Yes the pain i woke up with everyday at first is easing, but the reality is still there and nothing is ever going to change.

Tahlia is our blessing, but the stress that has been added is enormous. I can guarantee she hasn't been asleep for more than minutes and i check her constantly, thank goodness i sleep well at night. I have 100% faith in my angelcare monitor, thanks to the false alarms at first getting use to the device. Nothing makes me more relaxed than seeing that green light flashing her movements.

Some days i really have started to wonder if i am heading down the depression path, no motivation, miserable and just happy to sulk, but then another day comes and i feel much brighter. I have talked to Ian about this, and we both know my GP is only a phone call away and she is always more than willing to help us out at any time. It's a bit of a take each day as it comes, and this time of the year, i kind of expected it.

Scrapping and my craft work has helped keep me busy at home, i really don't know what i would be like without that outlet in life. It gives me a focus and something to do other than moping. I love creating something nice for someone else, and having the beautiful children and family i do, that's easy.